My Youth as a Nominal Catholic 

I grew up in a suburb of Ottawa, Canada. My parents did their best to teach me the basics of the Catholic faith – their heritage as French and Italian-Canadians. I remember that my faith in God during my teen years was sincere.  But it was not an easy thing to uphold Christian values growing up in a secularized world largely estranged from God.  I occasionally read the Gospels and was impressed by the life and teachings of Jesus.  I don't think I ever really questioned their authenticity, although I had no real understanding of Jesus' work of redemption.  I remember praying often and sincerely.  It seemed obvious to me that God was there and heard me when I spoke to Him.

My relation with the Church, however, was more difficult.  Whereas God was a needed friend that I could trust, I had a much harder time understanding what going to church had to do with real life.  I liked the atmosphere of the Christmas Masses and Easter vigils, singing hymns and celebrating the coming of the Savior and His resurrection.  But the rest of the time the Mass seemed like a tedious, outdated ritual that was detached from reality.  Most of the people who attended were elderly, and the few young people that attended seemed as bored as I was. 

On the moral level I was even more confused.  While my parents had inculcated in me a clear sense of right and wrong, it was obvious that the world was living on a totally different track, and enjoying it at that.  Slowly I developed the austere concept that I had to choose between two options: either to enjoy life and pay for it in hell afterwards, or to forsake everything enjoyable and live a monotonous, dull religious life in order to "gain heaven".  Neither option seemed particularly attractive.  I longed for a fulfilled life but with upheld moral standards; sadly, I thought that these two concepts were incompatible with each other.  The result was that I was often guilt ridden in the awareness of my sin, knowing that fully going the way of the world was wrong, yet uninspired and unwilling to lead a boring, "religious" life.  Still, I am grateful for this fragmentary contact I had with the gospel which generally kept me out of trouble in my teen years while my peers discovered the world of "sex, drugs and rock & roll" of the 80s. 

Rebellion

Things began to change when I turned 20.  I started to date a girl who was staunchly anti-religious and, especially, anti-Catholic.  In the 1½ year that I dated her she challenged me to think about my faith in a critical way. She told me that my beliefs were largely based on what I had been taught as a child and not on objective truth or facts.  She pointed out the many darker moments of the history of the Church throughout history, and advocated the Marxist notion that religion is the "opium of the people".  To her, most Catholics were as blind sheep who didn't know what they believed, hanging on to their religion as a crutch of elusive and imaginary hope.  

In good faith, I began to challenge my own beliefs and to seek explanations from my parents. I asked questions such as: "Who made up this religion? How do we know it's true and not the invention of man? There are so many religions in the world, why would this one be the truth?"  I challenged notions such as purgatory, the rosary, venial and mortal sins, confession and penance, but never really received satisfying explanations.  Most of these questions centered more around Catholic doctrines and practices rather than on the existence of God and the redemptive work of Jesus.  Yet doubt had been sown in my mind and heart.  I began to perceive Catholicism as a religion lacking in rational foundations that only imposed limitations on my freedom and burdened me with guilt.  It no longer drew me to God, but pushed me away from Him.  As a result, my dislike for the Catholic Church and its "legalistic system" gradually grew, while my relationship with God declined.

In retrospect, I wonder if the loss of the Christianity of my youth could have been avoided.  It certainly would have been helpful to have someone answer my questions and explain to me the premises of my faith.  But I believe the main problem was that I perceived Catholicism as a system of "dos and don'ts", rather than a way of knowing the unconditional love of Jesus.  Without the experience of a living relationship with Him and the vivifying power of the Holy Spirit, it was almost inevitable that I would eventually reject this religious system imposed on me.  

But certainly it is the classic and most ancient reason known to man that led me away from the Lord in my youth.  Allured by the deception of sin, "pleasant to the eyes and...desirable to make one wise" and the tempter's lies that "your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil" (Gen 3:5-6), I succumbed to the temptation to run away from the God who loves us.  As my soul fled from the refuge of His love, seeking freedom in the vain pursuits of life, it began to build its own prison, whose only escape would be to return under the shadow of His wings several years later.